Dangerous Airborne Toxins Victimize SKS Players
June 28, 2012

Topeka, IN-

Streets in Topeka, Indiana are still shut down on Friday morning as federal investigators are still trying to piece together what happened to six slow pitch softball players in this small Amish community Thursday night.

The Street Kids/Cut Rite softball team battled a young and very good Synergy team last night, and despite winning the first game, 15-2, The Kids dropped the nightcap, 18-15. It wasnt the loss that had this small town abuzz on Thursday, but the incredible infection that apparently caused drastic aging in six SKS players.

"Everything seemed fine until we got to the break between the games," said pitcher Faron Miller, who along with Jeremy Hochstetler also suffered significant hair loss. "A horrible odor started just behind the fields in the old barn that had people plugging their nose or pulling their shirts up over their faces. Most of us are use to the smell out here, but when I looked in the stands and noticed some of the older Amish men even holding their nose, I started to get worried."

What happened next was straight out of a "Curious Case of Benjamin Button" movie. Six players, including Miller, Hochstetler, Jay Jeffery, Fred Schmucker, Leland Schmucker and Mike Bailey, began to age drastically throughout the second game.

"At first we thought it might have been targeted at our Amish," said Travis Truex, who was not affected by the weird illness. "But then you could see Jay Jeffery's face starting to sag down and next thing you know, all his teeth are falling out. Luckily, someone was around with an extra set of false teeth or it might have pissed Jay off something fierce."

During the break between games, rumor has it that the entire Synergy team was no where to be found. Butch Lehman, who coaches the Synergy team and runs the Topeka League, made a brief statement after being interviewed by federal authorities.

"We are looking into what caused this as we are very concerned," said Lehman, who as first looked as though he might have been affected by the virus also, only later to realize that he always looks that old. "But for anyone to think that my guys had anything to do with this is preposterous. So what if some of the guys know a little witchcraft? You cant prove that in court."

At this time, no one has been arrested but several people have been questioned, including several ex-girlfriends of the players. One girl, who we cannot release the name of because she is only 17 years old, reportedly stood outside of centerfield holding up a sign that said "I love you Erms". There was one man - Michael Ramza - that police are calling a person of interest this morning. Ramza, apparently miffed at being outlifted at the gym earlier in the day by Mike Bailey, kept coming over to the SKS dugout and yelling out slurs to Bailey like "you wont be young forever" and "just wait old man, you will get yours". Attorneys for Ramza would not return calls on Friday morning.

Whatever the case may be, this eerie occurrence could cause a cloud over the 39th annual Topeka July 4th Tournament next week. To take extra precaution, SKS players will be playing with oxygen masks.

"There is no way I am taking the chance and getting infected," said veteran Terry Patesel. "I mean, I am a pretty dude and at 47 years old right now, I would hate to see what would happen to my face if I breathed in that crap. Did you see what happened to Erms? Wow, that will ruin his annual party thats for sure."

___________________________________________

Enjoy your weekend folks and dont forget to laugh as much as possible.

"A day without laughter is a day wasted."
-Charlie Chaplin