Taser Pickups Help SKS Sweep in a Crazy Night in Topeka
June 14, 2012

Topeka, IN-

With some players missing on Thursday in Topeka, the Street Kids/Cut Rite team had to borrow some players to field a team. What better than the super powerhouse team Tasers Softball? Luke "I Swear Its Not a Medium Shirt" Myers and Nick "Taser For Life" Minder jumped ship from their normal employers to moonlight with SKS in Topeka and help lead them to a sweep of Wildcard, 18-7 and 17-7, respectively.

We needed guys, who else to borrow from than the team who says they could beat us any time if they truly wanted to," said interim manager Jay Jeffery. "The hardest part was making sure that Luke would pass the mandatory steroid testing that is done prior to every league game in Topeka. But thankfully, the new Amish Drug Testing device exploded when testing Mike Bailey's traps. We caught a break there for sure."

While "Taser For Life" Nick struggled a little at the plate, his presence in the field was valued. At one point, after a ground ball took a bad hop and struck him in the chest, Minder took off his cleat and threw it at the base runner, immobilizing him long enough for Minder to find the ball and throw him out at first.

"It was the closest thing I could find to a ball," he said after the game, still looking for his shoe. "I do want to extend my condolences to the young man, though. I didnt think the shoe would get stuck in his ribs like that. But he's young, so he will bounce back in a few months I am sure.. or years, I dont know."

Joe Horvath, who looks smaller and smaller every week, went 7-for-8 from the leadoff spot with three home runs that - ironically - struck the same Amish patron all three times. Elias Sports Bureau reported today that according to their records, an endeavor like this had only happened one other time and that was in this exact same park when Butch "I Wasn't Always This Skinny" Lehman cracked three long home runs that struck an Amish patron every time in the head back in 1972. The weird thing about this was it was the same Amish man both times - 40 years apart.

I felt bad the first time," Horvath said, slamming a shot of tequila and slapping Jeffery on his bald head, a tradition for Horvath when he drinks. "And when it happened the second time, I was about to head out there and offer to buy him a new car or a horse or whatever he uses, but then when it happened for a third time... well thats just stupid. What is he doing, running around out there looking for home run balls top catch with his head? I mean come on!"

Leland Schmucker hit two home runs on the night, but was so disgusted that there were guys on base when he did it that he stabbed his brother Fred with a tire iron.

"I don't come here to hit three run homers, this is bullshit," the Amish phenom said.

At the end of the night, the SKS team sat back and smiled at yet another victory in Mayer Erms town of Topeka. In a sad turn of events, however, Shane Varga - the SKS player who was playing in Mishawaka with Tasers because they were short players (oops!) - was forced to play outfield when he told Tasers Coach Shane Soule-Train he didnt want to do it, dove for a ball and ripped his right arm completely off on the dangerous water sprinkler that was sticking out of the ground on Rose South.

"Well yea, it sucks because how can I do anything with one arm?" the veteran player who admitted that losing one arm is nothing compared to battling cancer. "But I will figure something out and make sure I can help my team a Flag Day on Friday."

When continuing to push the subject of why Varga was even playing with Tasers, our reporter on the scene was choked to death by Varga - with one good arm of course. :)

Hope everyone enjoyed this humorous side of softball, after all, it is just a game, and games are supposed to be fun. Good luck to Tasers and everyone else at Flag Day this weekend!